| wow. alot of time has passed since i last updated this thing.
& alot of things have changed. i've learned things about myself, & other people.
i miss 7th grade though.. i've learned that people can turn on you in a second, so you have to be carefull about you say, do, & think. think before you speak, & act. & don't try to be something you're not.
always remind your friends how much you care about them, because you never know when they could leave you. think of the concequences of your actions, & don't spread gossip. life is a whole lot easier without it. think of others before you think of yourself, things are easier that way. people can change quickly...right under your nose. one minute they can be your best friend, & then they slowly slip away. people say things they don't mean, & things they do mean. always be happy, because it's more fun than complaining, & people get sick of you fasttt if you complain. if you're not happy, fake it. because it makes you happy, & it makes life better in the long run. i miss the way things were; the friends i had last year, the ones who would do ANYTHING for me, the ones i would do ANYTHING for. the guys that came & went, but were always sort of "there". getting invited to every party every weekend, not having to worry about if i would get invited or not. always having fun no matter what, always being able to trust everyone. being friends w/ everyone. & i mean everyone. i miss 1st lunch too, because there were some amazing people in that lunch :) . now i have to worry about everything. everything i say, do, & think. i hold stuff inside me, because i'm almost scared to tell people, because it can have such a bad outcome. things are really different. for one, i don't have chase freeman, & it's harder. i mean, i could tell chase everything. drama that started in august changed alot of things. sure, me & chase don't hate eachother anymore, but we can't really talk anymore, because i know she doesn't exactly love me to peices anymore. but i miss her, even though we've both changed.
& jessie curtis is my all time bestfriend. my bestie boo, who i can trust w/ EVERYTHING. she's always been here for me, no matter what. she is really, my light. she has gotten me through everything that has gone on this year, & has never once dropped me. & i love her to death, she will always be my best friend. sometimes i get jealous of her though, because everyone loves her. she just has all these friends. & she gets along w/ everyone. it's different w/ me, & i feel like i'm starting to bug her alot, because i talk about all this crap that happened last year & she just gets totally SICK of it. idk though. jessie you really are my best friend in the INTIRE WORLD & i never want to lose you. i know that i bring you down sometimes, & i'm sorry. lately i know i've been like, getting all weirded out around you & i know you're like "wtf ellen". but yeah.
i'm sorryyyy. :) you are just living what i've always wanted, & it's hard. you know?
i miss being able to walk down the halls & see everyone & think, lookit all my friends. :)
now i think, are they talking about me? are they really my friends, or are they just faking it... do i really not have any real friends? which is gay i know, i've become one of the most paranoid people in the worlddd, & it ticks me off. i've had to work really hard to gain back my friends, because drama sucks. big time sucks.
..so if i'm not myself anymore? it's hard for me to be. but i am still ellen, & i am still here, & i still need friends, & love, & want to be happy, just like everyone else. what is wrong with second chances?
& what is the DEAL w/ be having to WORK to be happy. & having to WORK for everything i get? & what is the stupid freaking deal w/ me having to convince people to invite me places.
IT'S STILL ME. IT'S STILL ELLEN SPAAR. I'M STILL HERE. & I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE, ANYTIME SOON. I'M THE SAME PERSON I WAS LAST YEAR. I STILL SAY STUPID THINGS & LAUGH REALLY LOUD & HUG EVERYONE. I STILL HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS I POSSIBLY CAN NO MATTER WHAT I DO, & I STILL LIKE GUYS, & I STILL HAVE BEST FRIENDS. i haven't changed. i've grown up. but i haven't changed. alright..so i think i'm done. but i just want to leave everyone w/ this;;
be carefull about what you do
because everything can change, alot quicker than you think. yeah. this is the longest update i have ever written in my intire life. & probley the longest update i will ever write in my intire life. & if you read it, you're pretty cool. since you have 8 hours to sit here & read someone's xanga update about how their life is crap now. :) even though my life really isn't crap, & it's actually really great. i just figured i would write this & get out ALL this stuff that has been bugging me.
so yes. goodbye person who has totally noooo life.
:) i hope you have a nice day. & i hope you get a life sometime soonish. <3Ellen |
everything is amazing & good haha.